All I wanted was some biker shorts
The night before I was going to run 20 miles after my multi-year long, shall we say exercise hiatus, I was in the market for some biker shorts. I had chaffed pretty badly a few days before on a 7 mile run, and faced with the prospect of doing the 20 with a jar and a halve of Vaseline between my legs, I figured biker shorts was the best thing to do. Of course I wait until the night before, and of course there's some freak DFW-wide biker shorts shortage. Finally at some sports boutique type place, the kind of place where they sell more "sporty" clothing and sunglasses than anything else, I find a pair of UnderArmor.
When I first saw them I laughed out loud. It was a $50 pair of biker shorts, with a fancy elastic waistband. Clearly these people were taking themselves a bit seriously. In the end though, it came down to either the designer biker shorts, or the Vaseline, and what do you know, the designer shorts were on sale. They would only be a $30 pair of biker shorts with a fancy elastic waistband. So disguising myself in a large hat, and donning stilts lest I be recognized by an errant friend or co-worker, I bought he ridiculous things.
And let me tell you something man, those things aren't halve bad. While wearing them, the sensation is very much like there is an area of pressurized air around your naked waist and hips. I'd say that Teflon or some wacky ceramics are somehow involved, because the entire outer surface is frictionless, but it's somehow so permeable that it defies description. It's as if they actually exist in another dimension (a happier, chafe free dimension), and putting them on transports your midsection to that wonderful, frictionless place.
I've had them for over a year now, so they're holding up to running and machine washing very well. Had I just wrapped 30 $1 bills around my hips, they certainly would have been worn into nothingness by now, so I think I came out on top. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.